On Wednesday, the pro-life community has learned of the tragic loss of Vicki Thorn, foundress of Project Rachel, at the age of 72.

She shared her first indirect encountered when a friend needed help. “All I could do was just love her and be present to her, and make sure she was OK,” Thorn would recall years later. “But it was a life-changing experience for me, in understanding that abortion was not a non-event, that it left enormous footprints in someone’s life, and enormous pain.”

In 1984, Thorn founded Project Rachel while working for the Respect Life Office in Milwaukee. The idea of her ministry came from Jeremiah 31:25, which reads, “In Ramah is heard the sound of sobbing, bitter weeping! Rachel mourns for her children, she refuses to be consoled for her children — they are no more!”

In his statement on the tragic loss of Vicki Thorn, Archbishop Listecki recalled that “Vicki’s life was dedicated to a single mission; caring for men and women wounded by abortion. As the founder of Project Rachel, she single-handedly created a post-abortion healing ministry at a time when none existed,”

In 2021, Vicki Thorn received Evangelium Vitae Medal from the University of Notre Dame. View the presentation here.

Today, Project Rachel is flourishing through a majority of Archdioceses throughout the United States and in 25 additional countries.

More information about Project Rachel is available on the ministry’s USCCB’s website, or by calling 888-456-HOPE (4673).


On Friday, March 25th Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts, located in Center City Philadelphia, held a poetry slam on their campus. It is no coincidence that they chose the feast of the annunciation to have a horrendous event to mock a Catholic solemnity. It was even a stunt to do it the night before the annual Philly March for Life. The students listened to women who came to campus and shared their experiences. What astounded the students, according to an eyewitness from the event, was the presenters shared how they regretted their decision.

From one presenter: “I killed my babies… now all I have are their dead souls. I will never hear them laugh. But at least I killed them before they existed. No, that is not true, they did exist. My children were all fully there… I just never gave them the chance to laugh,”

Another presenter got up and shared her coerced abortion titled “The Abortion I Didn’t Want”: She described how her boyfriend wanted to make her have an abortion, and when she got to the clinic, she consented to the abortion at first, then suddenly changed her mind as the procedure was beginning. But when she changed her mind, the clinicians restrained her, held down her arms and legs, and did the abortion anyway while she tried to physically resist them.

Based on the women’s poems, it sounded like all of them regretted their abortions. It sounded like all of them were feeling sad, guilty, traumatized, lonely, and confused. None of their poems appeared to be pro-choice.

After the poems were read, the event organizers walked in and asked the students to donate money to the abortion clinic’s fund.

No one is liberated from abortion. Rather, they are enslaved by this false lie that leaves a woman with a lifetime of regret, sorrow, and suffering. This goes to show that abortion is unthinkable. We must step up our game to help women in their hour of great need. We must not back down. We must be committed to helping women, like the ones who wrote of their experiences.

Visit Rachel’s Vineyard if you have experienced abortion directly or indirectly.

Prayer For Abortion Healing

Oh Lord, I had an abortion thinking it was for the best, but the grief and guilt I have felt ever since I took that decision has haunted me, and I feel so ashamed of myself and riddled with guilt, by allowing a little life to be taken in this way.
My heart is so heavy and I find that I am not able to think about anything else and realise more and more that it is against You Lord, that I have sinned and done this great wrong.
Lord, I feel broken inside and pray for Your healing and comfort. You have promised to mend the broken-hearted and to set those that are captive to guilt and shame free, and Lord, You have promised forgiveness and restoration to all who come humbly to Your throne of grace and confess their wrongdoing. My hope is in You, for You alone can restore the joy of my salvation.
Thank You, that You are a forgiving God, Whose mercies are new every morning and that You that You have promised to carry all our guilt and burdens, and so I hand this over to You today, and ask for the healing and restoration that only You can give, and the grace to forget what is past and move on with You as my guide. I ask this in Jesus’ name,

“Lord my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.” Psalm 30:2

Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat – This weekend!

Retreat takes place this weekend in Malvern, Pennsylvania.  See details provided by the Pro-Life Union of Greater Philadelphia below.  

Rachels Vineyard

Rachel’s Vineyard will be hosting a Post-Abortion Healing Retreat this weekend from Friday, March 5th to Sunday, March 7th at the IHM Spirituality Center in Malvern, PA.

“Are you suffering from the wound of abortion? A Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat is a non-judgmental, safe, loving and confidential environment.  Come and experience the mercy and compassion of God by attending the upcoming retreat. The experience will give you hope for your future and freedom from the pain within your heart and soul.”

For information, call:  Georgeann – 484-955-4278 or  Susan – 610-716-4795. Financial aid is offered if needed.

Abortion Healing Retreat to be Held in Austin, Texas on Feb 12-14

 The Catholic Diocese of Austin  is offering a  Post-Abortion Healing Retreat  the weekend of February 12-14th. Information on this Retreat can be found in the post below along with a link to Project Rachel’s website.  If you know of someone in the Austin Diocese who would benefit from this Retreat, please pass this along to them. 

Waco Healing Retreat

This is a tremendous personal and family opportunity.  The Catholic Diocese of Austin offers its next Post-Abortion Healing Retreat on the weekend of February 12-14.  This is for moms, dads, grandparents, and friends who have–one way or another– experienced the personal results of abortion.  Many who are not Catholics have been welcomed and benefited from this retreat.  Possibly you have thought about participating in something like this but have not quite come to a “yes”.  I pray this time you will say “yes”. If you cannot read the print on the graphic, the phone # is 877-932-2732.  The email address is

Also, you can check out the Project Rachel webpage

August To-Do List

Hard to believe that it is August, and we’re more than half way through the summer.

The 8th month of the year can serve as a time to get in much needed family vacation before school is back in session. Sadly, the pandemic has put everyone’s plans on hold. Some are still unsure due to the unprecedented times.

The good news is Voices for Life has a to-do list throughout the month that can help you channel your Covid-19 frustrations in helping to advance the pro-life message. This list is applicable for your daily pro-life conviction.

  1. See Trump Card

It should come as no surprise that Dinesh D’Sousa, an immigrant of India, is not done defending the core principles of America. For the last eight years, he has been on the New York Times bestseller’s list, been falsely convicted for fraud, and has produced documentaries that have been game changers. His latest project, “Trump Card” is slated to be released on Friday, August 7th. Due to the temporary closing of movie theaters, you can view the documentary on-demand.

He played a pivotal role in exposing Hillary Clinton’s past which helped Donald Trump become the 45th President of the United States with “Hillary’s America”.

In addition, his most recent book United States of Socialism, is out now. To make your purchase, visit here.

2. Holy Hour/Mass for Life

Many states have masses back in session (with restrictions). Some of the faithful should be encouraged to host a Holy Hour for an end to abortion. St. Teresa of Calcutta once believed that if every Catholic made a weekly Holy Hour, we would see an end to abortion. So what are you waiting for? Even if you can’t bring one to you church, make one on your accordance.

3. Take part in vigils in your community

Connect with your local pro-life coalition and find out about vigil locations and times. Pray with your family, college, or even church group. Create a sign that advertises free help with contact information.

4. Host a pro-life committee meeting in your church

Gather people in your parish or church and discuss ways you can help get the pro-life message to your community all around with another pivotal election approaching.

5. Donate to pro-life charity

Give anything you have to advance many pro-life groups making a difference. Some groups include: Generation Life, The Culture Project, St. Raymond Nonnatus Foundation, Guiding Star, and Susan B Anthony List to name a few.

6. Work for Susan B Anthony List

The Susan B Anthony List is gearing up to help reach out to voters as the 2020 elections are coming very soon. They are hiring in many battleground states. To learn more, visit here.

7. Purchase Stork: Sowing Season

An indie author recently came out with an amazing book that promotes a pro-life message. To order your copy, visit here. It will make an excellent read in your backyard with a cold drink or while you’re catching rays at the beach.

8. Sign up for 40 Days for Life

The 40 Days for Life campaign begins on Wednesday, September 23rd and ends the weekend before the General Election. The spring campaign was interrupted with the pandemic. Now, with many states putting this phenomenon behind, it is time to go all in to save lives, pray for the workers, help moms choose life, and make a difference in your community.

9. Sidewalk Servants

Even though we’re a long way from the next 40 Days for Life campaign, there are babies being murdered every day. Your presence for at least an hour two during the week will make an impact on the abortion industry. Learn more about sidewalk servants here. Consider starting one in your community.

Pro-Abortion Mother Sad About Killing Her Child

It’s hard because you know that you killed your own son or daughter, a member of your own family. You continue to claim you made the right decision and even tagged your post with #istandwithpp.

Unborn Baby

Alisha Fox:

I couldn’t feel more alone in this situation. I know it was the right decision, most definitely, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less because who knows what could’ve happened had it happened later in life, in different circumstances? I feel like a terrible person. I was starting to not feel as alone being pregnant. But not anymore. I don’t know how to cope through this. I need help but I can’t talk to anyone about this without crying.


Imagine how alone the child that you aborted was. He or she couldn’t even count on their own mother during their most vulnerable stage of life.

It’s hard because you know that you killed your own son or daughter, a member of your own family. You continue to claim you made the right decision and even tagged your post with #istandwithpp. You clearly haven’t learned from your pain nor from the pain you inflicted on your baby. Abortion is not a human right. Human rights don’t include killing innocent humans.

If you truly want to heal, you must reject the idea that some lives matter less than others. This idea is the root of all that is wrong with the world today. Violence against the innocent is never the answer. If you want to grow beyond the selfish person you are today, reach out to Silent No More and save others from the fate your child endured.

Healing from the Pain of Abortion

Culture Shift for Life isn’t defined by a group or an organization. It consists of those who value true human equality and are willing to fearlessly defend the most vulnerable among us from a belief that some lives matter less than others. If you are willing to share the truth about abortion, then you are a part of this movement.

 Culture Shift : Pro-Abortion Mother Sad

Rebuttal to Study Claiming Women Don’t Regret Abortion

The reality is that a large majority of women suffer post-abortive regret in silence. However, many women have found healing and hope from the trauma of abortion through post abortion healing services. 

Woman Crying
The Pain and Regret of Abortion

The following article was authored by Katherine Ranck for Human Defense Initiative.  

A recent study out of the University of California at San Francisco (UCSF) claims most women do not regret their abortions. The study is a part of UCSF’s Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health (ANSIRH) research department. Abortion advocates are touting this as proof abortion regulations are unnecessary and harmful to women. However, this ignores the many problems with this study and the incorrect premises it is founded upon. While the study claims to have “no competing interest,” the entire aim of ANSIRH is abortion advocacy. This means that at its core, ANSIRH is biased towards abortion and can make no claim of being free of bias or competing interest. It is dishonest of them to claim so and creates serious questions as to the accuracy of the study and its outcomes from the outset.

Secondly, there are several problems with the way the study was conducted and subsequently reported on. The study boasts 95% of the women who participated in the study did not regret their abortions five years later. However, the sample size of this study can hardly begin to provide an adequate view of the majority of women who undergo an abortion.

According to the study itself, 62.5% of women approached for this study refused to participate, which means that out of the 2,549 women approached, only 956 women agreed to participate. Moreover, 30% of women who agreed to participate dropped out by the end of the study and 15% dropped out before the study even began. This left the researchers with 667 women by the end of the study. This number is only 26% of the original research pool.

According to CDC reports from 2008, 2009, and 2010, the time period in which ANSIRH was collecting data, 2,375,722 abortions were performed. Based on this number, the sample size of this study covers only 0.03% of all abortions. That number is minuscule. Using an easily available survey sample size calculator from CheckMarket, we are able to see that the optimal sample size for a population of 2,375,722 (abortions obtained in 2008-2010), should be 2,399. ANSIRH’s sample size was 28% of what it should have been for a successful study. This alone should disqualify ANSIRH’s study from being used as any serious evidence that women who get abortions do not later regret them.

Another factor this study fails to consider is that women who agreed to participate in the study were more likely to be those who had positive emotions regarding their abortions. We cannot say for certain why 62.5% of those approached for this study refused to participate, but if the reason for their non-participation was that they did have negative emotions associated with abortion, it is at least possible that more women actually regretted their abortions than not. We do not know and this study cannot tell us because no data was collected as to why these women refused to participate. The study itself even admits it “has limitations” and that “probing participants about their abortions twice annually over five years may have led to higher levels of feelings of emotions than they otherwise would have felt.” With the known bias ANSIRH has towards abortion, there is a potential for biased or leading questions as well as a potential for those looking for validation for their choice to receive it.

However, despite the way the study has been reported on, the highest percentage shown by the end of the study were not positive emotions, but were women reporting None or Few emotions. This does not indicate a healthy emotional state. The state of feeling no emotions regarding a stressful or anxiety inducing event (such as an unexpected/crisis pregnancy and/or an abortion) is called detachment. The state of emotional detachment or “numbing” is the result of a variety of disorders including anxiety, depression, and PTSD. It can also be the result of trauma and abuse. Many people often intentionally choose to emotionally detach from a person or situation as a way of protecting themselves.

According to Health Line, “Numbing yourself to emotions and feelings may not be healthy. Indeed, frequently “turning off” your emotions may lead to unhealthy behaviors. These include an inability to show empathy or a fear of commitment. What’s more, people that struggle to express emotions or process them in a healthy manner may seek out other outlets for those feelings. This could include drugs, alcohol, or aggressive behaviors. These aren’t a substitute for emotional processing, but they may feel like a way to release that energy.”

Based on this data it is not surprising and concurs with research done showing women who receive abortions are at a much higher risk of mental health problems. A study of 877,181 women (163,831 of whom had experienced abortion) published in the British Journal of Psychiatry showed that

“Women who had undergone an abortion experienced an 81% increased risk of mental health problems, and nearly 10% of the incidence of mental health problems was shown to be attributable to abortion. The strongest subgroup estimates of increased risk occurred when abortion was compared with term pregnancy and when the outcomes pertained to substance use and suicidal behaviour.”

The number of women participating in these studies dwarfs ANSIRH’s numbers. However, the media tells women they should not feel guilty about their abortions, leaving many women confused about the complex emotions they feel. They do not want to talk about their grief because they have been told it is not valid. It is dishonest and dangerous for society to continue silencing the thousands of women who have been hurt by abortion. Women deserve to know the truth about abortion and that includes the heightened risk of mental health problems.

The reality is that a large majority of women suffer post-abortive regret in silence. However, many women have found healing and hope from the trauma of abortion through post abortion healing services. Compared to the 667 women who completed ANSIRH’s study, 300,000 individuals, couples, and families have found healing from their post abortive regret through Rachel’s Vineyard, a retreat that offers hope and healing to men and women after abortion. In 2017, based on a report from Charlotte Lozier, pregnancy centers associated with CareNet, Heartbeat International, and NIFLA offered post-abortion services to 23,578 women and 563 men. Silent No More is a campaign dedicated to “Mak[ing] the public aware of the devastation abortion brings to women and men.” There are currently 19,483 people registered with the campaign along with 6,324 women and 678 men who have not joined but have registered their regret.

Women deserve to know the truth about abortion. They deserve to know all the risks associated with it. The media does not serve women by lying to them and hiding the truth about the pain and suffering abortion causes women. And the women who suffer from its consequences deserve to have their voices heard.

If you are a post-abortive woman, know that there is forgiveness and healing after abortion. You are not alone and you do not have to suffer in silence. Reach out to organizations like OptionLine, Project Rachel, Ramah International, PATH, or go to Care Net to find a resource center near you that can provide post abortive counseling services.e

Human Defense Initiative Website



Abortion Hurts Men Too- Philly 40 Days for Life

The following is from an email blast sent out by Dr. Monique Ruberu. She shares about a pro-lifer’s encounter with a man whose girlfriend was getting an abortion at 777 Appletree.

Dear Friends,

Abortion hurts. It hurts the child the mother and the father. It hurts the siblings, the grandparents, the great grandparents and every one of us that miss out on the gift of that human being.
Often at the abortion centers, we encounter men who are completely helpless. They have no “choice” in the matter and their inability to protect their child is heartbreaking.
Thank you for being there for these men as well.   I thank God that Rita was there to acknowledge one of these men’s pain and try to be the hands and feet of Jesus at that moment…

Sadly, this mother likely didn’t change her mind, but at least this man may be exposed to the love of Jesus… sometimes all we can do is plant a seed and let God grow it within them.

Here is Rita’s encounter:

I had a divine appointment yesterday at Appletree. After driving around forever to find a parking space, I found a space on Appletree Street on the same block as the clinic. Once I found the spot I had to put a note on my car in an attempt to avoid getting a ticket while I wandered all over to get change for the kiosk. In my frustration, I was, honestly, tempted to leave but I pressed past the temptation for the cause. This proved to be perfectly orchestrated as I finally got change and purchased my ticket at the kiosk.  As I stepped away from the kiosk a guy walked up, looked at the kiosk, and asked me in frustration if it took dollar bills.  I told him, “No” and expressed my frustration about the situation to him as well.  I just knew that he was with someone that was in Appletree so I purposely used this encounter as a segue to approach his reason for being there.

So my next question was, “Where are you going?”  He said, “My lady is in there” and pointed to the clinic.  I said, “Oh, she is in there having an abortion?”  He hung his head in sorrow and said, “Yeah.”  I replied, “I’m so sorry.  Is there anything I can do to help?”  He hung and shook his head again, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Naw.  She made up her mind.”  He said that she has lupus and didn’t want the complications.  I asked him if she did it yet and he said he didn’t know but there was nothing he could do.  I told him that I was so sorry and shared with him the story of my termination as a teenager and how 35 years later the father of the baby still talked about our baby with regret.  As I walked him to his car, I told him that I know abortion hurts men.  I had just parked,  so I didn’t get a chance to grab any literature from our post so I gave him a gospel tract and shared with him the love of Jesus for him, his girlfriend, and their baby.

After I gave him the track, it occurred to me that I could write the names of resources on the back of the track for him.  I saw a pen in his car and asked if I could use it to write some resources on the track for him but he declined.  However, he did keep the tract.  I asked his name to pray for him.  He said his name is Antoine.  If nothing else, I can usher him by name to the throne of God that the Holy Spirit would intervene and draw them to Himself in love, repentance, and healing.  I believe that the process started the moment we met.


please continue to join us in filling the following hours:

Mon 3/2 : 12th and locust: 12,1,2

Tues 3/3 12th and locust – Ed will be there – come and join him as the 2nd person at 9,10,11,12,2,3

Wed 3/4: 12th and locust: 2

Thurs 3/5: 12th and loc: 10,12,1

God bless you all!

Blogger’s Note: This is why we must be present outside of these abortion facilities. We must, like Christ, overcome the unruly passions of the word to share his message with others. 

End of Blog post

The Journey From Darkness -Story of a Birth Photographer

Below is a article sent to me showing how one woman overcame the trauma from her earlier life, which included abortion, through her photography.  

For those who are suffering from abortion there are many places you can contact with people who can help you through this difficult time in your life.  Links to a few are listed below as well as the link to Crystal’s photography page.   



by Crystal McClurg 

Have you ever stumbled around in a dark room?

Maybe you had to go pee in the middle of the night and didn’t want to turn on the light, so you just stumbled and bumped your way to the bathroom and back?

That has pretty much been my life for the most part of 43 years.

I’m going to tell you a story.

It’s not a funny or pretty, or romantic story. There are a lot of painful, raw, emotive parts.

But it is 100% true.

**Trigger warning- Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, abortion, trauma from the abortion**

My earliest memories… there are two that stick out…

1. My mom is lying motionless on the floor and my older brother, younger sister and I are sitting next to her. One of us looks up and says to my father who is standing on the other side of her, “You killed her.” My dad just laughed at us and said that she was just “thinking of what she wants to do to him next,” like she was a threat.

2. I was underneath an adult man. I was four. He had removed my panties. I remember screaming for my mom, who finally came and pushed him off of me.

(For the sake of my family, I will not reveal who this was, but if you are somehow reading this, I forgive you.)

So these were my early years. My house was most definitely not a fairy tale “Brady Bunch” house. Chances are, yours wasn’t either, so you may recognize the darkness that I speak about.

Home is supposed to be your safe space, where you can hide from the rest of the world, where you have an army of loved ones ready to defend you at any moment. My house, WAS the war zone. Screaming, cursing, yelling, throwing things. There were other instances of sexual abuse, a friend of my brother’s at 6. I was raped at 15 by a guy I went to school with.

The Abortion

So, with all the wholesome upbringing that I received, it should not be too shocking that I found myself pregnant at 17.  I had always been very adamantly pro-life.

It was 1994- I was a senior in high school, with a 3.6 GPA, but my dad wouldn’t give me permission to go to school after I moved in with my mom (another story for another time).

My high school boyfriend and I had broken up over the summer, and I moved away (to my mom’s house). I met a man and he showed me just enough attention and left within a matter of weeks.

So, when my ex-boyfriend called me a month later to reunite, I had to tell him that I was pregnant. It was obviously not his baby.

My boyfriend told me that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, but he couldn’t raise another man’s baby

The father of the baby told me that if I had the baby, he would take him away from me. (He was older and had a job).

My mom told me that it was my choice. It didn’t really feel like a choice.

I hadn’t even finished school. How could I be so stupid? I knew how babies were made. I KNEW to use protection. I let myself be talked out of every commonsense thing that I knew.

I wish I could say that getting pregnant was the end of my stupid mistakes, but they weren’t.

· I decided that I would have an abortion. I decided that I would have an abortion so that I could finish school and go to college (didn’t happen).

· I decided that I would have an abortion so that I could be with the man who said that he loved me. This also didn’t happen. He never called once over the next month, and I went through the abortion by myself.

· I decided that I would have an abortion so that I wouldn’t “lose my baby to the horrible man that was his father.” I still lost my baby.

I remember the night before crying and praying for God to forgive me for what I was about to do. I knew that abortion was wrong. I had head knowledge that it stopped the pregnancy. I did not equate it in my heart that it actually killed a baby. I had NO CLUE as to what happened during an abortion or after.

My mom drove me to the clinic. It looked on the outside, and for the most part on the inside, like a regular doctor’s office. I cannot tell you where the clinic is, or who was there that day, but this is what I remember.

  • They drew my blood and asked me about my period. They discovered that my blood type was A- which required me to have a Rho-gam injection.
  • Counseling. It was a dark room, or maybe that’s just how I remember it. The “counselor” asked me if I had considered adoption. Check. “I don’t think that I could carry the baby and give it up for adoption.” That was good enough for her. I’m sure that she asked me other questions, but it was what she never asked me…
    • Are you SURE?
    • Do you understand what is going to happen?
    • Do you want to see how big your baby is, how developed?
    • Have you REALLY considered your options? No, I hadn’t talked to anyone. I was scared, and if given the chance to say so, I would have backed out.
  • No one told me how far along I was, but my last menstrual cycle was in December, and this was mid-March, so I was between 10-12 weeks pregnant.
  • I was taken into THE ROOM. I was told to put my clothes in a drawer and put the paper gown on and lay on the table.
  • Lying there, alone.
  • They would not let my mother come back. I have to sit with my 17- year old when they get lab tests done, but for this…, my mom was not allowed.
  • Picturing myself putting my clothes back on and walking out. If only I was that brave.
  • Two nurses on either side of me, talking to each other about their daily life as if I wasn’t even there.
    • They said there would be some cramping.
    • It hurt. I have given birth without any meds, and this still hurt worse.
    • I remember reaching for one of the nurse’s hands, and she absently grabbed it and said I was almost done. She continued her discussion.
    • Screaming. It hurt so bad.
  • My mom heard my screaming in the waiting room. They still wouldn’t let her come back.
  • The sound of the machine and the container filled with blood.
  • Being moved into a “recovery room” This room was filled with women. Some were in chairs- there was a beanbag on the floor, and I laid on it.
  • I already felt dead inside.

The aftermath

  • I remember an older lady was in there (older than me- she was probably in her mid 20’s) and thinking that she was old enough to have a family and take care of a baby… why was she in there?
    • She spoke to me… She said that I was so young and that she hoped that she never saw me in there again (wait… people do this more than once?)
  • A nurse came and told me to use the bathroom. I did.
    • When I came out of the bathroom, I tried to tell her that I had a large blood clot, but I passed out.
    • The nurse yelled something about stupid girls who can’t just say they are going to pass out… yeah… because I do this every day.
  • When I woke up, they asked me if I wanted to leave. I did.
    • They had me sign a paper stating that I wanted to leave before the recommended time frame. I was 17… and had just lost consciousness.
  • As I was leaving, they handed me a brown paper bag with birth control pills in them.
  • I remember my mom driving me home.
  • I remember sleeping a lot and crying uncontrollably for days.
    • My mom would ask me why I was crying. It was my CHOICE.

I can’t even describe the feeling of profound grief and guilt, because I didn’t deserve to grieve, and anger that I was not brave enough to fight for my baby….. and so much sadness.

This is what I CAN tell you… my abortion solved NOTHING.

I still vividly remember the nightmares. There are two that recurred over and over again.

1. In the first one, my mom is standing on the front porch of her house. She is holding my baby out and I can tell that he is a boy. He is crying. I am running to get to him. The faster I run, the further away he gets. In every dream, I wake up before I get to him.

2. The second dream is more graphic. I had this dream before I knew what happened during an abortion and before I realized that my baby was actually developed.

a. In the second dream, I am in a laboratory. In this room, there is an enclosed shelf with jars on it. The door is made of glass and I can see in the jars. The jars are all filled with bloody babies. I feel in my dream that I need to save these babies, but I can’t figure out how to get them out of the room.

So here I am 17, alone- because the said boyfriend was not concerned enough to check on me, in a spiral of hopelessness and grief- and in walks another man.

We were together for twelve years.

The next time I became pregnant, I was happy to be having a baby. I thought that maybe this baby would fill the hole left by the first baby.

Then I started bleeding and cramping. I will never forget going to the emergency room and seeing my little baby on the screen with the words “no- fetal- heartbeat.”

They sent me home to deliver her naturally- she was still tiny- about 8 weeks.

Realizing that ANOTHER baby had died in my womb was almost unbearable.

The cramping and bleeding came, but still no baby. The emotional trauma of it all was too much. I went back to the ER and begged them to get the baby out.

I still did not know what that entailed. Thankfully, they put me to sleep.

My doctor told me that I should get pregnant again right away. There was no reason that I shouldn’t get pregnant. So I did.

Joshua was born in Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, Texas on February 20, 1997.

Nicholas was born at home in Tyler, Texas on May 29, 1999.

Caleb… I was pregnant with Caleb when I was introduced to a group of Apologetics. They discussed different topics and how they applied to Christianity.

Of course, abortion was one of these topics. In an effort to convince the non-believers that abortion was wrong, I decided to research what happened during an abortion as well as the development of babies.

Yes, I already had two babies, and I had a general knowledge, but the internet was still fairly new and had sooo much information.

Information that I was unprepared for.

I was not ready to see the bloody baby parts or read about how they performed a D&C (A D&C (dilation and curettage) is the medical term for dilation of your cervix so that they can insert the curette into your uterus and cut apart your baby in order to suction him or her out of your womb.)

On bigger babies, they need to use a tool with teeth that hold on to the arms and twist them off.

Remember, I let them do this to my second baby too….

I wanted to throw up.

I wanted to cry. I did cry.

God is Faithful

And as beautiful as God is… he sent Beverly Kline and her post-abortion Bible Study to my little town. She runs Living Alternatives and Fatherheart Maternity Home in East Texas. I was able to see that I was not alone.

Others had been lied to and believed the lie. Others had allowed their babies to be murdered. Other mothers had their children lost forever to abortion. Other mothers grieved and felt guilt and anger.

I was given permission to acknowledge my baby. His name is Nathaniel Alan. (sister’s name is Britanny De’anne)

I discovered that other women had multiple children in order to fill the void. I realized that his brother Nicholas has the same initials (NAC), which is also common.

I forgave myself.

Caleb was born on October 31, 2001.

I finally felt at peace and was able to enjoy my baby. The peace lasted roughly a year.

In November of 2002, I discovered my husband’s porn addiction.

I tried to put boundaries in place, I tried counseling, I tried reading “Every Man’s Battle” to understand his addiction. In the end, his addiction was more important to him than our marriage.

My daughter was conceived among all this chaos. My daughter who I named when I was 16 and prayed for and had all but given up on. She was my bright light in the storm.

I was severely depressed during this pregnancy. There were many hours that I contemplated suicide. I even made a plan, but I couldn’t do it. I could not kill another baby. She saved my life.

Lindsey was born on September 29, 2003.

After she was born, the depression got worse. I would sit in her nursery, holding her with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy. The dark cloud would not leave.

My midwife called me one day and we talked about my husband’s controlling behavior and my depression. He agreed to allow me to see a doctor and get medication. My children were eventually removed by the state- until I could get on my feet emotionally and financially.

I fought for a year to get them back.

In the meantime, I met husband number 2. I was angry at God and decided that I was going to do things “my way” for a while.

I ended up pregnant with my daughter, Sarah. Her father was even more abusive than the first. He forced an object inside of me until there was blood pouring out of my body. It was splashing all over me, and the bed. He didn’t want any more babies.

I should have left then, I almost did, except…

A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant, again.

I believe that I was most likely pregnant with twins, and I miscarried Sarah, but Samantha survived.

Samantha was born on March 1st, 2006.

I stayed with her father for ten years. The abuse gradually got worse. I was afraid to leave- afraid that I would not be able to care for five children on my own- afraid that he wouldn’t let me leave- afraid that he would take my daughter.

I eventually found my way out and left. He would not allow me to have custody, and I did not have the money to fight, so we agreed on joint custody.

Still, free but not free. I continued to spiral down into darkness. The darkness that I had fought against for so long consumed me.

Then in 2017, I tried to implode. I went to visit “friends” in Dallas, and partied, and got myself in a bad situation. I remember driving home on the morning of March 18th with severe pain in my chest, radiating down my arm. 100 miles I drove and panicked. I ended up in the ER thinking that I was having a heart attack.

God sent my [precious husband to me that day. He just happened to be in town and saw on Facebook that I was in the ER and brought his two kiddos to see me. He loves me like Jesus.

Something that I did not realize until that day was that I always fought anxiety and depression the most during March. March… My baby boy was aborted in March.

The Beauty From Ashes

The last three years have been a roller coaster of healing and fighting.

Samantha’s dad decided to convince her that I have abused her. He filed for custody, and after fighting with an attorney for almost a year, I signed the papers to allow her to live with her dad. Today she doesn’t speak to me. I haven’t seen her in four months.

He took her just like he said he would. I am heartbroken, but God has given me my husband and my photography. I have my God, and God has given me a purpose to be silent no more. </p>

God has used my photography to heal my heart. I have the privilege of photographing mommas as they bring their beautiful babies into this world. I get to capture them in all of their squishy goodness and watch them grow into beautiful children of God.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is a beautiful story after all.

Here is the link to Crystal’s photography page.

If you or someone you know has had an abortion, help is available.  Below are some links to organizations for those suffering from the effects of abortion.  


Hope After Abortion
Healing Hearts Ministries
Rachel’s Vineyard
Heartbeat International Abortion Recovery